I always thought it was my right, that when I made my decision about the right time, that it would just happen, just the way I wanted it, no delay, no problems, it would just happen. Little did I know on that fateful day of 29th October 2010 I would get the worst news of my life. Going into the ultrasound room I was more concerned with the fact that I might be able to tell if it was a boy or a girl. What a slap of naeivity in my face when I am told that my baby has anencephaly and is "incompatible with life". I have learnt so much since that fateful day, and only by the grace of God was I able to cherish carrying my son and celebrate his life and allow it to change mine.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

I smile

The last year of my life has probably been the most life-changing year. So much has changed in a year. This time last year I imagined life with my new baby, and getting accustomed to life as a new mum. But then my life was transformed within a matter of minutes, when the ultrasound tech turned to me and said "There is something wrong with the top of your baby's head, the brain hasn't formed properly" and she left the room to get the consultant. I knew instantly this was no "downs syndrome" no "defect that can be operated on". I knew this meant our baby couldn't live and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

When I think back to that day, I think of the fear I had, the pure fear I had never experienced, only in my dreams, that I had no idea what the future held. How was I going to give birth to a baby I knew couldn't live? Or even worse how could I give birth to a dead baby? I think back and crazy as it may seem, I smile. I smile because never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the strength that God would give me. Not only to carry my son, but to cherish his every kick, to celebrate his birth, his life and to proudly call him my son. I can't mourn my son because he died. I smile because he lives.
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3 comments:

  1. Keri Kitchen14 August 2011 at 19:40

    It's unbelievable how much God has to teach us through such seemingly unbearable situations! Our children are such miracles!!! Thank you so much for sharing Theo's story. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Misty19 August 2011 at 16:05

    Just perfect, sweet friend, keep writing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Andrea19 August 2011 at 22:42

    Yes, smile. :-) So many of us smile with you.

    When you are ready to share more, I would love to put a link to your blog on my page.

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