Reflecting

I am feeling so overwhelmed today, but not in a bad way. It has really hit me how many amazing people I have met through Theo. It constantly amazes me how the best of friendships can be made with people I have never met face to face. Don't get me wrong, I hate that we had to meet for the reasons we did, but I am so thankful for the internet because it has been one of my strongest support networks. I had the privilege last week to meet 2 of these special friends, and I'm so glad I did. I so wish I could meet all of you, and I hope one day I will.

As I watched a special video today that a fellow anen mum shared, I was completely blown over by the strength that she has. And I got thinking about all of us that had/have the privilege to carry our precious babies when they are given a death sentence whilst in the womb. And I call it a privilege for many reasons because sadly a lot of women aren't aware of that realistic option and it just breaks my heart. To carry a baby that is "incompatible with life" is such a contradiction. Whilst carrying an anen baby that is very much alive and kicking, rather than being excited about the birth, dreading it because you know it is the day you may have to say goodbye. I wanted to keep Theo in my tummy forever, knowing he was safe and sound and enjoying all the chocolate his mummy was eating ;-)

I still to this day cannot express how Theo changed my life. Most people look at me and pity me because I lost my baby. And yes, I ache to have him back, I wish this never had to happen and that Marlon and I could give Theo all the love he deserves here on Earth. But honestly, I know I wouldn't be the person I am today. I stand on that scripture that I had heard countless times before all this happened, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) It was only until Theo that I really UNDERSTOOD that scripture, because I had to LIVE it.

Some lessons in life are not learnt easily or comfortably. When I had my miscarriage 2 months after I lost Theo, I questioned what my motives were in wanting another baby, and whether I was too absorbed in my own will, rather than what God wanted for me. God spoke loud and clear to me the answer, and it was this, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. " (James 1:2-4)