I always thought it was my right, that when I made my decision about the right time, that it would just happen, just the way I wanted it, no delay, no problems, it would just happen. Little did I know on that fateful day of 29th October 2010 I would get the worst news of my life. Going into the ultrasound room I was more concerned with the fact that I might be able to tell if it was a boy or a girl. What a slap of naeivity in my face when I am told that my baby has anencephaly and is "incompatible with life". I have learnt so much since that fateful day, and only by the grace of God was I able to cherish carrying my son and celebrate his life and allow it to change mine.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Love is never wasted

I have been afraid to become attached to this new baby growing inside of me. It is a natural fear. Based on my life experience, pregnancy has always ended in death. Theo died a few hours after birth, and then the second died in my womb early on. Now I am carrying my third and it is completely rational that I would feel afraid, based on my experiences. Nobody should ever call that an irrational fear. When you know loss, life becomes more real. Death is now a part of life. And there is nothing more certain about life than death.

However, I have come to realise that fear should never stop us from loving. 1 John 4:18-19 says "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him because He first loved us."

Fear will not separate me from the love of my unborn child. I refuse to let it. Nothing in this life on Earth is promised to us forever, and if I were to let fear rule my life, I would not have relationships with anyone for fear of losing them.

When I loved Theo with all my heart whilst knowing he would die,  I don't look back and think that was a waste of my love, or that it caused me pain that I loved him. I think the opposite. I rejoice in the fact that all Theo knew was love. Whilst in the womb and out, he was showered with love. Can you imagine your entire lifetime simply loving and being loved in return? Never experiencing pain, sorrow, rejection, judgement? Theo was one blessed boy. Love is never wasted.
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1 comment:

  1. Rachel's Mama11 November 2011 at 01:46

    He was blessed to have you as him mama, Josie! And so is this little blessing. thinking of you always

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